“You need polishing.”
“You’re aggressive.”
“You’re defensive.”
Are some of the WORST pieces of feedback I’ve received in the past Ariella.
Particularly when I was in corporate I still remember the day the HR Director told me that I needed “polishing”. That I was basically too raw, too rough, too full of edge, too unconventional and not classy enough to fit in the shoes (red stilettos) of being in the role of their UK Purchasing Manager.
That stung at the time. I knew I could never be what they wanted me to be. I never have been and never will be “polished”. Thank fuck.
The “you’re aggressive” line followed me around for most of my life. For years I used to say to people “I’m not aggressive I’m defensive”, because that’s what it genuinely felt like to me. I struggled for a long time to be able to understand the effect that having such a big energy could have on others. I knew I was struggling so badly inside and was in turmoil most of the time, so it felt really unfair to be called aggressive when I was doing my damndest to protect myself from experiencing more hurt and harm.
Plus I really didn’t want to be seen as aggressive. I knew that wasn’t attractive or cool.
So I went out of my way to soften myself. To make myself more available, more approachable, less angry and my energy more palatable to others. So I would be less intimidating and ‘more feminine’.
I particularly got this comment from men I noticed. And that struck an even deeper chord with me because it hacked into an insecurity I was already fostering that because I wasn’t a certain TYPE (5 ft 6 - ideally less, petite, slim but with curves, no fat arse in those days & submissive AF) then I wasn’t an acceptable female.
I remember the first time I walked into an AA room, a controversial character who was a right geezer, an ex boxer & truck driver called Bernie tuned round to me at the end of the meeting and said “I was scared of you when I first saw you, I thought you were aggressive.”
That comment stayed with me for a long time after that. I felt such shame that this was apparently the first thing that people picked up about me when they met me. And even a man like Bernie! I must come across really badly I told myself.
So I shrank some more, and for the 4.5 years that I was in recovery I tried all sorts of things both inwardly and outwardly to make myself more appealing to others.
I changed my character, my energy, how I approached people, my voice, my style, my hair and my smile. It certainly DID make me popular with people, but you know what, it also made me very sad.
I didn’t feel on fire anymore. I’d bent and stretched myself into someone more palatable for others but in doing so I’d truly lost my soul.
Now I’m not saying it was a bad thing for me to become less aggressive. I could be aggressive at times (and still can be), but back then I didn’t always know where the line was, or how to use that energy and channel it into something empowering for myself or others.
But I did allow myself to become a doormat for a while. Which if it wasn’t for the gold which did come out of it, I would regret. Men in particular got a MUCH easier time from me I noticed, particularly the ones who I dated.
The HR Director sent me a flirty text the day I left the company and made it clear that he was very much available to have an affair if I wanted to. Imagine that, and what with me not being “polished enough” as well... I gladly turned him down on his offer.
Bernie, on the other hand was unfortunately able to add me to the (long) list of women in AA who he systematically played intrigue based mind-games with - so keen we all were to get his seal of approval.
So look, here’s what I’ve learned about being pushy, aggressive, a bully and unpolished - from a place of working hard on myself for over 14 years and having transmuted a lot of my earlier angst and unkindness into heart based, faith fuelled TRUST in this big ol’ vessel:
The catalytic FORCE of the energy which comes through me, when I trust in my Soul to get out of the way and let it rip through me, is undoubtedly THE most transformational, most beneficial and most LOVING healing power at my disposal.
In fact, it’s what a lot of my clients hire me for. Particularly my soul mate clients, in my inner circle.
In the Soul Blueprint you would see this as the 9’s. It a combination of them and also the 7’s. The catalytic power of the divine.
You could go 10 years in therapy, 15 or 20, or you could be with me for a day or more and so long as you open yourself up to RECEIVE what I’ve got then I can promise you that you will leave my space transformed.
A catalyst and transformer I am and it’s the best thing about me. Wherever you have a block, I can get you past your limits when you let me do my job.
And I’ll be honest, I’m still stepping into fully embracing the role. There's more to come still.
Like last Thursday during a Q&A with my Profits for Prophets business group, I allowed MY SOUL to let rip on a few clients who were standing in their own way on sales.
I got a a private message afterwards thanking me for unblocking a LONG and sticky pattern one of the members had around not feeling good enough and feeling like a failure.
Another client wrote a lovely message of gratitude into the FB group saying I had shifted something in her and she was now fired up about making sales.
Then another client watched back the replay and wrote a message saying that my coaching and energy had given her permission to launch a programme which she’d been putting off.
And all of this because I gave myself permission to be ME. I trusted in that energy that I felt ripping through me and I allowed it to do it’s job and lift the whole God-damn container to the next frikking level.
I did not apologise for being “too much”, I did not worry about it offending anyone (how can you when you come from a place of SOUL offend anyone?? And if it does, tbh you got the wrong clients hun!!). And I felt on top of the WORLD for the next few hours. Buzzing. On fire. SOUL FIRE. I’d done my job and it had been received. Best feeling EVER.
It’s all about polarities.
You can’t stop yourself from being YOU. Actually that’s a lie, you can and most people do all the time. But what I mean is, YOUR CHALLENGES BECOME YOUR GREATEST GIFTS. If you let them, if you work with them and if you do your work and channel that energy appropriately.
So if you’re done with being muted,
If you’re done with playing small and safe,
If you’re so sick and tired of bending and moulding yourself to suit OTHERS instead of owning your shit and finding out how YOU truly works,
And if you’re ready for a whole new REVOLUTION of getting the F outta your way so you can BECOME the true badass LEADER you know you’ve come here to be
Then WORK WITH ME.
Get me on your side.
Because you can be spiritual AND rich AND hot AND happy AND bang on purpose! You can LIVE your sacred destiny and deliver your greatest legacy into the world.
Wherever you are, whatever your desire, whatever the programmes you got running that take you out of flow: I’ve got your back.
So long as you are prepared to show the hell up, do the work and let me do the job I was created and coded for, then I gotchu.
Become a Soul Mate Client & Join My Inner Circle. You won’t regret it.
Ex HR Directors and Bernie need not apply.
Yours in conscious evolution,
Ariella xx